I can be really, really stupid sometimes. I swear it feels like I am trying to sabotage myself. Today I did something that I regret in one way but am proud of in another.
The job I was offered yesterday was for a position I'm not technically qualified for yet. The school was going to pay for the exam to get me qualified, and I am certainly willing to study for it and work toward that goal. I took the practice test, though, and I honestly don't think I could pass the actual exam. I just don't have enough education in the field of upper grades history. I'm not good with names, dates, and specifics. I don't teach that way, either. I think the big picture is more important. The rest can be found on the internet, frankly.
In the name of honesty I emailed the principal this morning and told him that I am concerned about my ability to pass the test. I asked if I could please be considered for the elementary position I was originally called in to interview for. His answer was that he needed some time to think about it. I probably just killed my chances to actually have a job in place.
I'm frustrated with myself. When will I learn that giving too much information is a bad thing? I'm too stinking open sometimes. I really hold myself back because of it. I could have just charged ahead and let fate take control. Instead I had to try to be comfortable and secure. I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut.
On the other hand I'm proud of myself. I am able to recognize my limitations. I am always willing to challenge and stretch myself, but I'm also pretty self-aware. I'm not going to put myself in a position where I can be accused of lying or making myself out to be something I'm not. Yeah, I'm a first year teacher with little experience. Given a chance, though, I'll knock your socks off with what I have to offer. I just need to be given that opportunity.
I'm so stupidly confused right now. I was so danged excited last night, and now I'm bummed. I had a second interview this afternoon with the place I really liked Monday. It went okay, but it didn't seem as positive as it did earlier in the week. They said they will "get in touch with me." Maybe I should just go deliver pizzas for a living.